


Biggest Fear

by babybam



Series: Mayday [3]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, BamBam-centric, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 10:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12479084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybam/pseuds/babybam
Summary: Someone from the company leaked information about Bambam. One of his biggest fears had been people knowing about his panic attacks and anxiety and it was scary now that people knew. But he would be okay.





	Biggest Fear

**Author's Note:**

> I love this series and I love writing more to it and i felt like this is a "logical" continuation, kind of? But I don't know how to continue from now on? I would love to write more but I have no idea how to, so if you want to read more and have any ideas, please do tell me! 
> 
> Let's go!

They were in Sydney, Australia. Bambam loved the city and he loved Australia, he was really happy they were finally able to go there to have fanmeetings as well. And one day, if possible, he would love to live in Sydney. It was 10AM and he had only just woken up, they had a fanmeeting in the evening and after midday they were supposed to go to the venue, to rehearse and to get ready. Bambam shared the hotel room with Jackson but the elder was nowhere to be seen.

When Bambam took his phone to check his SNS he wasn't expecting his day to be ruined. But it was. His instagram comments confused him and made him feel like something wasn't right. 

”We're here for you” ”We will always support you” ”We love you Bambam!”

Some people were saying ”Get well soon” and other people arguing that it wasn't that kind of illness and you couldn't just get well. He had a hunch about what this was about but he didn't want to believe it. He could feel his anxiety spark. _No one was supposed to know_.

When he opened his twitter he was met with several articles from sites like Koreaboo, Allkpop and Soompi, but also articles from sites like Naver. At this point, Bambam really didn't feel good. He sat up on his bed and opened the Naver article, it would most likely be the most accurate one since it wouldn't be a translated version.

Bambam was breathing heavily as he read the article. It was from an _anonymous source from JYPE_. And there was no doubt that it really was someone who worked in the company, it had too many details only a few people in the company knew. The person went on about how Bambam had anxiety and panic attacks and how he was even taking medication for it and saw a therapist. They were saying how it was making the staffs' work harder and how Bambam was barely able to do his job with his condition. How it would be easier for the company and Bambam himself if he took a break. 

It was all bullshit. Bambam had no problem working with his _condition_. It was never in the way of their schedules, he was always able to take part in and _usually_ it didn't even disturb their time schedule either, he couldn't say that there weren't those times at all though.

But Bambam had never known that their staff thought like that about him. Was it all of them? Or just this one person? Were they burdened by Bambam? It made him really upset to think that they'd rather have him take a break when Bambam himself didn't see any problem. What if the other members thought like that too? What if everyone just hoped Bambam would break so badly that he'd have to stop working?

His hands shaking Bambam locked his phone and dropped it on the bed. He felt numb. Now the whole world knew, knew about his panic attacks and anxiety. Knew how he took medication and saw a therapist. All this was something Bambam had wanted to keep from everyone, the less people knew, the better. Not everyone in the company had even known, only their own staff and managers and the higher ups.

 

His legs were shaking when he got up. He threw his shirt off, deciding to take a shower. He didn't know what else to do. Just when he was about to go to the bathroom the door opened, Jackson walked in with Yugyeom and Jinyoung. Bambam greeted them quickly before locking himself in the bathroom.

Thoughts were spinning in his head as he stood under the water. He was still shaking which was probably one of the reason why ended up slipping. His left wrist exploded with pain as he tried to catch himself. He tried to take support from the small shelf but ended up dropping all the shampoo and shower gel bottles on the floor too. He hissed and cradled his left hand against his chest, the pain got better fairly quickly but Bambam didn't have the will to get up from the floor. He sat there, letting the water spray on him.

-

”They're gonna find out who did it,” Jaebum said to the other five members when he got off the phone with their manager. Mark had woken up them all just before 9AM saying it was urgent and so they had all gathered in Mark's room, all except Bambam who Mark had told to not wake up. 

When Mark had woken up that morning he had just checked his phone, thinking about going back to sleep since it wasn't that late yet. But then he saw a weird text from his sister, she was asking if everything was okay. Mark did text her a lot so messages itself weren't weird but something about _that_ message was weird so Mark opened it and found an article she had linked to him as well. It was about Bambam and when Mark read it, he was worried. It wasn't good. So he had gathered the members, except Bambam because he didn't want to worry him just yet.

 

”How they're gonna do that though?” Jackson asked, frowning. 

”Well, there is a possibility that the person who wrote the article actually knows who this 'anonymous person' is, but if not, someone must know who'd do it,” Jaebum said. They all were quiet. 

”How do you think Bam's gonna react?” Mark asked. They all knew this was one of Bambam's many fears, he had always wanted to make sure that the information didn't go further than to the people who _had to_ know.

”Not well, that's for sure,” Jackson said.

”And I promised him this won't leak to the public,” Jaebum sighed and rubbed his face. Jinyoung patted his back.

”I'm sure he, as well as we all, knew that it really isn't something you can control,” Jinyoung comforted Jaebum.

-

Jackson, Yugyeom and Jinyoung only saw a glimpse of Bambam when they went to Jackson and Bambam's hotel room. They barely heard Bambam's quiet ”hi” before he was in the bathroom behind a locked door. Jinyoung glanced at Jackson.

”Do you think he knows?” Jackson asked quietly. Yugyeom nodded.

”Most likely, he aways checks his phone when he wakes up,” he explained. Jackson took Bambam's phone which was laying on the younger's bed. He just wanted to check but he didn't get to do so. 

”It's locked.”

”I can open it,” Yugyeom said and took the phone from Jackson. The two elder looked at him questionly.

”With touch ID, I have one of my fingerprints saved on his phone, he has one of his on my phone as well,” Yugyeom explained as he opened the iPhone.

”I can't believe you two,” Jinyoung sighed. 

”What? We trust each other,” Yugyeom shrugged. He looked at the screen and he didn't even have to search anything, it opened straight to the Naver article, Bambam hadn't even closed it before locking his phone.

”Yup, he knows,” Yugyeom grimaced and showed it to the two. They all froze when they heard a crash from the bathroom, not a big one, just like something fell on the floor. They waited for a moment until Yugyeom moved to the bathroom door. 

”Bambam? What happened? You okay?” he asked and knocked.

”Yeah,” he answered, voice a little higher than usual.

”I just dropped some bottles,” Bambam said. Yugyeom glanced at Jackson and Jinyoung before walking to Bambam's bed. He sat on it while the other two sat on Jackson's bed.

”What do we do?” Yugyeom asked. ”Do we talk to him about the article?” 

”Let's try, who knows what kind of things it made him think and we don't want him thinking anything bad,” Jinyoung said. 

 

The three of them waited for almost half an hour until Bambam came from the shower. He glanced at his friends but didn't say anything. 

”Bam, did you see the articles?” Jackson spoke when Bambam was pulling his pants on.

”Yes,” he answered shortly, not even looking at Jackson. Jackson looked at Jinyoung.

”So?” Jinyoung prompted, trying to get Bambam to say something more.

”So what?” Bambam asked, still keeping his answers short and curt.

”How did it make you feel?” Bambam pulled his shirt on and turned to look at them.

”Am I a burden to you?” Bambam asked, tilting his head. He sounded so innocent it almost broke Jinyoung's heart. Yugyeom patted the bed beside him and Bambam sat on it.

”You're not a burden to anyone, Bam,” Jackson said and Bambam sighed. Yugyeom wrapped his arm around Bambam's shoulders.

”Do you think I'm 'barely able to do my job'? Does it seem like I have trouble? Am I making everyone else's work harder?” Bambam asked. Jinyoung shook his head.

”Whoever gave all that info made it all up. You're working great, if you don't feel like you can't manage then it isn't true. And you're definitely not making anyone else's work harder either,” Jinyoung spoke.

”Okay...” Bambam said, biting his lower lip. ”I've thought I've been doing good, I mean, I do get attacks but I wouldn't say it's really limiting me and I still work hard,” he spoke, frowning.

”That's good. The company's gonna find the person who did this,” Jinyoung reassured Bambam. Bambam nodded but they all could see something was bothering him, something more.

”What is it?” Yugyeom asked. Bambam hesitated for a moment.

”Everyone knows, like… Everyone. What am I gonna do?!” 

”Well, firstly, you don't have to do anything. You don't owe an explanation or anything of that kind to anyone,” Jinyoung said, Jackson nodding beside him.

”But it's up to you, do you want to do something?” 

Bambam shrugged. ”I don't know. I just feel… Weird.”

-

All six of them kept an eye on Bambam during the rehearsal. He was off but none of them blamed him. They just wanted to make sure he was okay. Yugyeom and Youngjae noticed how Bambam kept tending his left wrist, touching it and grimacing when he needed to use it. After the rehearsal they saw Bambam approach their manager, Yugyeom glancer and Youngjae and the two followed after their fellow maknae.

They reached the two just in time to hear Bambam tell how he had slipped in the shower. Bambam looked at Yugyeom and Youngjae briefly before looking back to their manager. Yugyeom could instantly connect the dots.

”He said he only dropped some bottles, nothing about slipping himself,” Yugyeom whispered to Youngjae with a frown on his face. The two listened to the conversation, Bambam and their manager came to the conclusion that they'd make a quick visit to the hospital though Bambam was sure he just needed a wrist brace for the evening and he'd be fine.

”Tell the hyungs. We'll be back soon,” Bambam said Yugyeom and Youngjae. They had already told they wanted to go with Bambam and their manager but they had been told that it's better if they stay here and get ready for the show.

”Yeah, stay safe,” Youngjae said and Bambam followed after their manager.

 

The hyungs had gone to the dressing room already and turned their attention to Yugyeom and Youngjae when they walked in.

”Bambam's going to the hospital with manager hyung,” Youngjae said to them and plopped on the couch.

”What? Why?” Jaebum asked.

”It's his wrist, he slipped in the shower,” Yugyeom explained and looked at Jackson and Jinyoung, they knew too.

”He isn't taking this very well, but probably better than expected,” Jinyoung said. They explained the conversation they had had with Bambam earlier and also told that they had heard Bambam fall.

”Let's just be there for him, he needs to know we support him,” Jackson said.

-

Almost two hours later Bambam came back, with a wrist brace. It wasn't anything serious and he'd just have to use the brace for a while. The others were all ready, make-up and hair done, when Bambam got in the dressing room. He quickly greeted his friends before changing his clothes and went to get his make-up and hair done too.8

 

”Noona, am I a burden to you?” Bambam asked quietly the stylist. She stopped what she was doing and looked at Bambam.

”What do you mean?” she asked.

”Like, do I make your work harder? My panic attacks and stuff like that,” Bambam explained, staring at himself in the mirror.

”Not at all, no. You saw those articles? We were contacted about them too, they're trying to find the person,” she spoke and continued applying Bambam's make-up. Bambam managed a little smile.

”Seriously Bambam, believe me, no one thinks you make their work harder. That person just made it all up,” she smiled and patted Bambam's head affectionately. Bambam let out a little laugh, already sensing six pairs of eyes on him. He knew his members had been watching him the whole day.

-

Bambam actually felt a lot better for a while. He believed his stylist noona and he felt relieved as everyone kept telling him that the person had just made up all the shit. When the show got closer Bambam got more nervous and anxious though, he had probably never been this nervous before a fanmeeting. And his anxiety flared up in its full capacity. It was bad. 

The opening VCR was already playing, it was almost time to go on stage. Bambam's heart was beating _so_ fast and he was shaking like a leaf. He was barely able to hold the microphone in his hand and he was queezing it really tight. The panic swallowed him and Bambam couldn't do anything. He couldn't breathe well anymore. 

He couldn't do this. 

He spun around. Yugyeom was the only one behind him and he looked at him, almost immediately noticing Bambam's panic.

”No!” Bambam cried out. ”I can't...I… I can't do it. I… Can't breathe!” choked out in panic. The microphone slipped from his hand, hitting the floor with a bang. He blinked away the panicked tears, he couldn't cry now, it would ruin his make-up. He took steps to his left, not knowing where to go or what to do. His legs almost gave out as they were already shaking hard. Yugyeom grabbed him. He wrapped his arms around Bambam's middle, he could feel him shaking.

”Bambam, listen. It's okay. Come, let's go sit,” Yugyeom said and helped Bambam to a chair nearby. All the other members had at this point noticed that something was going on and followed the maknaes.

”N-no, we need to… Go… On stage,” Bambam panted, squeezing Yugyeom's hand.

”No, we don't,” Mark said and kneeled in front of Bambam.

”Don't think about that at all, we go when we're ready,” Mark continued. Bambam shook his head, hyperventilating. 

”I'm gonna go to the toilet,” Youngjae suddenly said before jogging towards the toilets. Mark looked after him and then turned to Bambam.

”See, Youngjae's going to the toilet too, there's no rush,” he said gently. Bambam nodded, he had closed his eyes and tried to breathe. Yugyeom was holding his hand tightly and Mark was stroking his knee. Bambam lifted his other hand to his chest and he could feel his heart beating like crazy. 

”I c-can't breathe,” Bambam whispered, voice shaking, trying to suck in a breath. 

”Yes you can, let's count and breathe together, okay?” Mark said and took Bambam's hand, holding it gently since it was the one with the wrist brace.

 

Bambam felt like he was falling apart. It felt like something heavy was on his chest and his lungs weren't working. His whole body was trembling so hard and his heart was beating _so fast_. And he couldn't stop thinking abou how they were supposed to be on stage right now. The VCR had probably already ended and they were expected to start, but here Bambam was making them be late.

Mark was saying something but Bambam didn't hear anything, he couldn't focus on Mark. He kept taking short and quick breaths because he wasn't able to breathe in well and it kept making him more and more panicked. 

”Bambam!” someone said loudly and he flinched, choking on his breath. 

”Look at me,” Mark said and caught Bambam's eyes. 

”Can you hear me?” Bambam nodded. ”Good, I'm gonna count to four and you breathe in. Then I'll count again and breathe out,” Mark said and Bambam nodded again, signalling that he understood.

 

Jackson and Jaebum watched from the side as Mark helped Bambam. Jinyoung had stepped closer, but not too close. The breathing thing Mark was doing was something they all knew how to do. They had all ”learned” it when they found out it was one way to help Bambam through his attacks. Jackson was worried about the show and Bambam, how he'd hold up during the two hours they'd have to be on stage after an attack like this. He'd definitely be very worn out after the show. Jackson just wanted Bambam to be okay.

 

They were now fifteen minutes late but Bambam was finally feeling better. His heart had calmed down a little and he could breathe again. Jackson had gotten him some water and was now holding a fan to him. 

”Shouldn't we get going now?” Bambam asked, standing up from the seat. All the staff were standing around, watching them. 

”Uh,” Jaebum looked around. ”Youngjae's not back yet.”

Five minutes later when Youngjae still hadn't returned Yugyeom went to find him. They were playing the VCR again and Bambam was taking deep breaths. _He could do this_.

 

It was only Bambam who wasn't later told that Youngjae hadn't really had to use the toilet. He had just disappeared and waited for someone to come find him because then it wouldn't be Bambam who they were waiting for. Bambam couldn't blame himself for them being late.

 

Despite all that happened during the day, the fanmeeting went well. Really well. Bambam was being his usual self, though a little more quiet. He even told the story behind his wrist brace, putting some humor in it too so the fans wouldn't be too worried.

And as Jackson predicted, Bambam was really tired once the fanmeeting was over. The younger even fell asleep in the car on their way to the hotel, and Jackson was too tempted to carry him inside. The hotel staff did give him weird looks as he carried the sleeping boy in the elevator but no one said anything.

-

Almost a week later they were called in for a meeting at the company. They had just arrived back to Korea the previous day and having slept well the night, they were ready for the meeting. It was about what had happened when they were in Australia, about the leaked information about Bambam.

Bambam was feeling anxious when they got out of the car at the company building. Jinyoung had his arm around Bambam's shoulder when they walked in, there were a few people on the other side of the road, watching them go. Most likely fans, there always were a few of them hoping to get a gilmpse of their favorite idols.

The seven of them sat in silence in the meeting room, waiting for their CEO, JYP and other staff members to come. Bambam was fidgeting on his seat, anxiety growing every second. He usually didn't think about getting panic attacks, but now he was afraid of getting one. The past week had been hard, Bambam had tried to avoid the social media because he didn't know how to deal with the whole situation. And thinking about the situation seemed to trigger more attacks. It was tiring, the frequent attacks.

The door opened and all of them jumped up, bowing. 

 

”Straight to the point, we found the person who leaked the information. It's Park Minjae.” Bambam breathed in, Minjae was one of their closer staff members. He hadn't been able to be with them in Australia though, for some personal reason, Bambam didn't know much about it.

His thoughts started racing immediately, he thought about all the interactions he has had with Minjae. He never really noticed anything off about him, but now that he thought about it, he was always kinda blunt with Bambam. Bambam bit his lip and looked up again.

”So, what are you doing with him?” Jaebum asked. 

”He's been fired already, leaking information like that is against his employment contract.” Bambam could hear everyone sigh in relief.

The meeting went on, they were told how the company was going to release a short statement regarding the recent events and they wanted Bambam's help, since it was about him. Bambam agreed to help, he himself didn't know how to deal with the situation but him helping the company to deal with it, was actually helping and making it easier for him too.

A couple hours later the group was on their way back to the dorm, the other members had stayed with Bambam as he helped to come up with the statement and after that they had gone out to eat. The statement was to be released the next day at noon and Bambam was feeling nervous. But it was good, the statement would make things better. People would actually know the truth.

-

Bambam woke up the next morning at half ten, he hadn't been able to fall asleep until four and ended up only sleeping five and a half hours. He took his phone and opened Twitter. He hadn't opened the app in days but he thought maybe he should check what people were saying _before_ the statement.

The support overwhelmed him. It wasn't just his, and got7's fans, but other fandoms were talking about it too and supporting him. Saying mental health wasn't talked about enough in the industry. He was happy with the tweets he had gotten from his fans, happy how they were on his side and not believing everything _Minjae_ had told the media.

Though he did also see hate comments, which made his heart sink.

He nervously just waited for the statemend to be released and tweeted.

 

_Recently personal information regarding GOT7's BamBam was leaked. The person responsible for this is no longer working for JYP Entertainment._

_BamBam has been suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, but it has in no way been in the way of his or others' work. He has been falsely accused of making the staff members' work harder and not being able to do his own job, but neither of these accusations are true. He has been able to work hard and diligently, as always, and at this point BamBam himself or the company doesn't think that a break from schedules is needed._

_BamBam, other members of GOT7 and the whole company is hoping for your understanding and support._

 

Bambam retweeted the statement and opened a new tweet. He thought for a while, about what to tweet. While he himself had been making the statement, he still felt like he should tweet something himself too to make it more sincere and not just the company controlling him.

_Hey ahgase! I wanna thank you for your support and all the nice words. I will continue working hard. Love you ♥_

His hands were shaking and heart beating from the anxiety as he kept waiting for response from the fans. He didn't know why he was so scared when he had mostly seen positive things even before this. 

And that it was now too, positive. With a relieved smile he scrolled through the replies to his own tweet and the statement tweet. People left supporting words for him, some people were angry at Minjae and some people were happy to hear from the company and Bambam.

He sighed, locking his phone. He was happy. One of his biggest fears had been people knowing about his panic attacks and anxiety and it was scary now that people knew. But he would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it, please leave kudos and comments!
> 
> ++ Check out my other bambam/got7 fics! :D


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